I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
is that a dick in a sweater?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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