I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
we're so committed to being not committed
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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