So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
