1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You ruined the universe
Randomize
