You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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