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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
