If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
