Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
MIDGETS
????
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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