he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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