um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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