Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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