Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
