i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
