Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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