this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
