I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i now understand why vodka
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
