i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
