i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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