Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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