ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
