awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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