i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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