Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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