i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize