if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
