just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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