she was so not down for the gang bang
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
BRING THE BAGELS
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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