I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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