need another drink. this is the easiest way
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
