All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's the barista slut.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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