I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
