Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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