I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When did angry sex become our thing?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
