I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
