I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
