Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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