Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
