I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
