can we get nightvision for the apartment?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
When are your genitals available?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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