He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I will be naked everywhere
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
