I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
