I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
