but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize