i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
