if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize