so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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