There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
