after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
