i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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