Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
