You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude. I can hear the air.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
