Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
