i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We left the knife in your bed.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
