I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
