whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
