i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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