my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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