sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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